Children often struggle with harsh self-criticism and negative thought patterns. These tendencies can lead to low self-esteem, making them vulnerable to bullying behaviors, bullying victims, or bystanders in cases of bullying. Instead of focusing solely on self-esteem, the emphasis should be on developing self-compassion.

When “Being the Best” Backfires

Sometimes, the push for high self-esteem can take unhealthy turns. As a counselor, I work with a first-grader who struggles with feeling superior to her peers and even adults. Her parents consistently emphasize being “the best” and knowing the most. This has inadvertently made her equate her worth with knowing more than others.

This child is intelligent and shows great reasoning skills, but her need to be “right” interferes with friendships. She’s often unkind and condescending to others, making it hard to connect.
This case highlights the difference between healthy self-esteem and an overinflated, fragile ego. True self-esteem comes from within, while this child’s self-image is dependent on external validation.

Strategies for Change:
In these cases, counselors may focus on:

• Building trust: Creating a safe space for genuine connection.
• Focus on growth, not always being right: Emphasize the joy of learning.
• Praise effort: Celebrate persistence and hard work.
• Role-playing positive interactions: Help the child practice collaborative communication.
• Parent involvement: Communicate a healthier approach to achievement with parents (if possible).

Self-Compassion: A Healthier Approach

Self-compassion provides the advantages of high self-esteem without the drawbacks. Its three key components are:

• Self-kindness: Treating ourselves with understanding, especially during setbacks.
• Common humanity: Recognizing that challenges and imperfections are part of being human.
• Mindfulness: Observing our experiences with balance, avoiding dwelling on negative aspects.

Benefits of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion leads to:

• Increased happiness, optimism, and connection to others
• Decreased anxiety, depression, and fear of failure
• Motivation to grow and learn for the sake of self-improvement
• Higher levels of emotional intelligence

Fostering Self-Compassion in Children

Adults can model self-compassion with mindful practices:

• Acknowledge: “I am upset.”
• Common Humanity: “This is part of life.”
• Self-kindness: “I can accept what is and be strong.”
  Practicing these with children fosters their self-compassionate habits.

The Pitfalls of High Self-Esteem

Research, including work by Kristin Neff, shows that while high self-esteem is desirable, it can have unintended consequences. Individuals with overly inflated self-esteem may resort to:

• Narcissistic tendencies: Exaggerating their worth and putting others down.
• “Generation Me” mentality: Needing to feel superior in order to feel good about themselves.
• Bullying: Using aggression to maintain a sense of superiority.

Self-Compassion: The Antidote to Bullying

By developing self-compassion, children (and adults) can build resilience, a healthy self-image, and the ability to handle life’s difficulties without harming themselves or others.

As the philosopher Abraham Maslow noted, true emotional maturity involves non-judgmental, forgiving, and loving acceptance of ourselves and others. Self-compassion embodies that ideal.

Key Takeaway: It’s crucial to remember that children are still developing. When parents emphasize external achievements over internal traits like kindness and cooperation, it can backfire. Self-compassion teaches children that their worth comes from being fully themselves, flaws and all, and empowers them to learn and connect with genuine humility.